Different kinds of pain and their consequences
by Sammy Elle
Summary: This is some kind of ElleHotch fic again,I´m not really sure about the genre,but it´s no real romance...You will see what it is about when you read it!Chapter 5 is up!Please,as always,R&R!Please let me know if I should continue!
1. Bad news

**Discs.:You know that i don´t own CM...**

**A/N:This takes place aftter FKp2...I admit I haven´t watched season two yet, so please forgive me any mistakes...**

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Different kinds of pain...and their consequences

_1.Bad news_

When the call came they all were shocked, especially Hotch. He felt like it had been his fault that Elle was hurt, he had sent her home…Why hadn´t he told Anderson to stay with her? Why had he not brought Elle home himself? Right, he had thought she was safe – he had not even considered that he could wait for her…God, he had done everything to protect Haley and Jack, even called Sean to warn him, not that his brother believed him.

_The day after the case had been closed :_

Aaron still felt so guilty for what had happened to Elle. He knew she was going to make it – or at least the doctors had told him so. He was feeling like he had been the one, who had pulled the trigger! They had a new case but he was incapable of concentrating on it. So he was glade that Gideon was there as well. Jason was able to do both things on the same time – being worried about Elle and focusing his attention on their case…

_At the evening :_

He had called Haley and told her he would come home late. Now he was sitting in the hospital on her bedside. He had never been aware of how vulnerable Elle was looking when she was sleeping, even during the times she had fallen asleep on a flight. Well, he had never really thought about this before. The fact that she had no family, who could visit her, anymore, was making him sad. After a while he took her hand in his, it was stone-cold. He was getting angry at himself again – all of this was _his _fault, he nearly killed her. How was he supposed to deal with this? How could he have been so stupid?

_Meanwhile at the residence of Hotch´s family :_

Haley was wondering where her husband was. Usually he was always calling in case he had to work long, but this time he hadn´t. After what had happened in the last few days she was kind of worried. She had tried to call him at the office and also on his cell but he hadn´t answered. Where could he be at this time? Oh, god, what if something had happened to him? She had no idea what she would do if she would lose him…She was so afraid. There were thousand possibilities of what the reason could be that he had still not shown up at home.

_Half past three o´clock a.m. :_

When he opened the front-door he tried to be as quiet as possible to not wake his wife. The moment he entered the living-room Haley jumped up from the couch, started to run to him and finally threw her arms around his neck. When she spoke he heard that she was crying : "God, Aaron, where have you been? I was so afraid that something could have happened to you! Why haven´t you answered your cellphone?" He was totally confused, after a moment he finally started : "I visited someone…I could swear I have called and told you I would be home late," he trailed off and just hold his wife in his arms. Another moment passed before she finally whispered : "Let´s get to bed…" They went to their bedroom.

After Haley had fallen asleep Aaron was still awake and thought about what just had happened. Had he really only imagined he had called to tell her that he would come home later?

_Tbc?_

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**A/N:I hope you liked this even if it was very short!Please send mne a lot REVIEWS and let me know if I should continue!!!**


	2. Unkown feelings

**Discs.:As always: I do not own Criminal Minds or its characters!**

**A/N:This continues right after the last chapter ahd ended...There are kind of spoilers for season one (especially for The Fisher king part 1&2)...**

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Different kinds of pain...and their consequences

_2.Unknown feelings_

He was feeling so exhausted when he woke up the next morning. It had taken him very long to find sleep last night – and when sleep had finally come he had dreamed about Elle. He had dreamed he was standing at her grave, everybody around him looking at him – full of anger and disgust… Even Haley and Jack. God, the guilt he was feeling was horrible. It was eating him slowly away. And the fact that he had been sure he had called Haley to tell her he would be home later and actually hadn´t done this, was frightening him in a way or another... How was this possible? Was he in his mind so fixated on Elle that he wasn´t able to remember what he was doing? The ringing of his cellphone was interrupting his thoughts. When he answered it he was surprised by the expression on Haley´s face. He hadn´t even noticed her sitting on the kitchen table as well. He saw the worry in her eyes and heard when he answered the call the quiet sigh of his wife.

It had been Jason, who had called, they had a new case. So Aaron was getting ready for work and left. While he was driving his mind started to work. But he had to admit that he was starting to think about his colleague again. He wondered how she was and if he should visit her today again…He had to stop with this, he should concentrate onto his new case – and not onto one of his subordinates, equal if she had been shot or not – but it was impossible.

_At the office :_

"Okay, guys...What do we know so far?" It was hard for him to focus onto his work. After the others had filled him in about the case and they had boarded their plane he fall asleep after a few minutes. He woke up only a short while before they landed at their destination.

_At San Diego:_

During the ride to the police station Jason watched him and asked : "Hey, are you okay, Aaron? You don´t seem yourself today…" "I´m fine. I just hadn´t slept very good last night…That´s all." He knew his friend was worried about him, but Hotch just had not the energy to talk right now about himself. When they finally arrived Hotch had finally been able to stop thinking about Elle. And the case was helping in this point a lot as well…But after a while the thoughts came back. And he used a quiet moment to call in D.C. to find out how his colleague was. When he ended the conversation with her doctor he smiled, happy that she was okay at the moment.

_Later that day :_

After they had arrived back in Quantico he first of all called Haley to tell her he would be home late again tonight. Then he started to do his paperwork. When he had finished his task he left his office and went straight to the hospital.

When he took a seat next to her bed he once again took her hand in his. Hoping she would wake up.

A short while later he started to talk to her about the case, the team, everything. When he finally realised she wasn´t going to wake up he was unable to hold back any longer and tears started running over his face, a moment later he was sobbing horrible and started to plead : "I´m so god damn sorry, for letting this happen to you. Please, open your eyes even if you will send me to hell for what I did to you and would never be able to forgive me…God, I just want to make sure I haven´t killed you, please, Elle wake up…"his voice broke and he gave up on talking. He let his free hand run through her hair. It was unbelievable smooth, another thing he hadn´t noticed before, but then once again, he had never really taken the time to think about something like this concerning Elle. When he noticed that it was getting impossible to sit straight at the chair he slowly and carefully bent down, resting his head and a part of his chest next to her, still holding her one hand.

Like this he was sitting without noticing that Elle was kind of aware of him sitting there. But on the other hand she was thinking it was just a dream.

_Meanwhile at Hotch´s home :_

Haley was once again worried about her husband. Even he had called this time, telling her he would be home late again, she was afraid. He had told her he would be home at last around midnight but now it was nearly four o´clock in the morning. And once again he was not answering his cellphone.

_Tbc_

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**A/N:I hope you liked this and PLEASE REVIEW!I want to know what you think about this story!**


	3. Feeling bad

**Discs.:Well you know...I don't own Criminal Minds or its characters...**

**A/N:I know there are not many Elle/hotch fans out there, but I still hope you will going to like this!**

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Different kinds of pain and their consequences 

_3.Feeling bad_

When Aaron finally came home, he was met by a totally worried Haley. "Where the hell have you been?!" He wasn´t in the mood to talk with _her _about _this _specific topic, so he just answered : "I told you…I was…" "Don´t do this ever again to me! Have you even considered I could be worried about you?! You said you would be home at latest around midnight – and now it´s actually half-past six in the morning! Have you any idea how horrible it was for me, not knowing where the hell you were?" "Listen Haley, I have to get ready for work, or I will be late again! So could we please talk about this another time?" Instead of waiting for an answer he turned around and went up to have a shower and to change from the clothes he was wearing into fresh ones. While he showered his mind went back to the last night…

_Flashback :_

When he woke up, he had no idea where he was at first. When his mind started to work he remembered that he had gone to visit Elle in the hospital. He remembered also that he had fallen asleep at her bedside. His neck was stiff, from the position he had rested his head in. When he took a look onto his watch he was shocked to see that it was actually six o'clock in the morning. He took another look on Elle, letting his fingers slide through her hair and then he let his fingertips stroke softly her face, before he left.

_End flashback_

When he left the house he was starting to feel guilty for how he had treated his wife, it wasn´t her fault what had happened to Elle. And still he wanted, in the same moment, to be in the hospital at Elle's bedside. He thought for another moment and, while having to wait for the stoplight to turn green, he pulled out his cellphone from his jacket and dialled a number. He waited impatiently for his friend to answer the phone. When he heard the voice of his friend, he thought for a moment, if it was really a good idea, what he was going to do, but when he heard a voice asking : "Hello?" he sighed and started : "Hey Jason, it's me. Listen, I…ehm…I'm feeling not very good, so I just wanted to let you know I won't come to work today…" he hoped his friend wouldn't ask him questions – but he his hopes were disappointed, when Gideon asked : "Oh, how does this come? You are not the type of person, who gets sick fast…" "Well, I guess it's the lack of sleep combined with the weird weather, however, I hope it's …" before he was able to finish his sentence he was interrupted by Gideon : "Of course it's okay, if you stay at home…Get well soon…" "Thanks…" They hung both up. Hotch wasn't proud about having lied to a good friend like Jason, but what else should he have told him? That he was going to go to the hospital seeing how Elle was feeling, instead of going to work?

He had decided to stop by at a florist to get some flowers, for bringing a bit color into Elle's room. He chose irises, which he knew she loved. When he arrived at Elle's room he smiled, while placing the flowers on one of the bedside-tables. He took a seat next to her bed and started to read the headlines of the newspaper to her. When he was finished he got up to get a cup of coffee.

He had to admit that the coffee was horrible, but he needed something to keep him awake.

_A few hours later in Atlanta :_

He waited impatiently for his call to be answered. "Hello?" A female voice said. "Oh Haley, it's me, Jason. I just wanted to ask, how Aaron is doing…" "Excuse me?" "Ehm, he called this morning telling me he was feeling sick so he won't come to work…" "Oh right, he is feeling better. At the moment he is sleeping…But I will tell him you called when he awakes…" Gideon sighed relived and told the others : "Well, it seems Hotch is feeling better by now…" "Probably he is just needing to catch up with sleep ," it was Morgan who said this and everybody smiled – relieved that their boss was going to be back soon.

_Meanwhile in DC :_

When Gideon had ended their conversation Haley broke down into tears. Where was Aaron? Why was he lying to her and not going to work? Why was he telling Jason he was sick? And where had he spent the last two nights? All those questions were racing through her mind, while she was sobbing. Was there an other woman? She did not even wanted to think like this about her husband, but maybe Jessica was really right and Aaron hadn't been the right choice…She was interrupted in her thoughts when the doorbell started ringing. She got up, trying to get rid of the tears on her face. When she opened the door, her sister was standing in front of her. Haley let her in without saying anything. Jessica took a look at her sister and when she saw the tears on her face she asked right away : "What has he done?" Haley didn't wanted to talk about this with her sister so she simply answered : "Nothing! This has nothing to do with Aaron…I have a horrible headache again and haven't slept enough in the last time, okay?!" She wasn't willing to hear her sister telling her she should have never married Aaron, or anything like this again and she knew Jessica good enough to know she would say something like this, if she would tell her the real reason why she had cried. Of course it was hard for her to lie to her sister, but it was necessary…

_At the evening : _

"Why don't you come to me for a while, sis? Jack would enjoy this so much and it would help against your _headaches_!?" Haley thought for a moment about her last few conversations with Aaron and how he had acted in the last days. Then she shook her head, saying : "No, it's nice of you to offer me this but I stay at home." Jessica just rolled her eyes, annoyed of the fact that her sister was still wanting to stay with her stupid husband, who wasn't paying as much attention to her as he actually should. They said good bye and Jessica left.

_At the hospital :_

Hotch wasn't thinking about what time it was or anything like this. He stroked Elle's hair and her soft skin. He smiled at her peaceful resting form. The only real thought, which was going through his mind, was the wish she would wake up soon.

_At Hotch's home :_

Haley was getting dressed for the night, hoping Aaron would come home soon. But she was fearing this wish would not come true. Maybe she should have accepted her sister's offer, but on the other hand she wanted to be with her husband…

_Back at the hospital :_

He was feeling how his energy was vanishing more and more. A while later he rested his head on Elle's abdomen. Just a short moment later he had fallen asleep.

When he awoke he smiled. He felt some kind of regret for staying all night at Elle's side again. He could just hope Haley wasn't that mad at him. He took a look on Elle then he started to unwillingly get up and promised, in a sad and regretful voice : " I will be back soon Elle, I promise…"

The moment he opened the front-door of his home he smelt the great aroma of steaming-hot coffee – and knew Haley was up. He put on a more cheerful face and went to the kitchen. When he entered he smiled at Haley, saying : "Good morning, honey…" When she looked up from the newspaper, she was reading, she shot a stone-cold glance at him. Before he was able to say something she asked in a sharp voice : "Where the hell have you been all night?" "Listen Haley, I'm really sorry for not calling, but you know perfectly well that I had to wor…" "Don't _lie _to me!" Haley interrupted him angrily. She hadn't slept more than maybe an hour, because of all the thoughts, which were racing through her head. "What is _this _suppose to mean? Had your sister told you once again what a horrible husband I am in her opinion? Why should I lie, when I just worked…" "Stop with it! Jessica has nothing to do with this! And I told you, I don't want to hear you lying to me!…" "I'm _not _lying! Why should I?" Hotch was starting to get angry as well. "I said you should stop with this crap! I don't want to hear any more lies from you! So I ask you again : Where have you been, since you left yesterday morning?" Haley's voice was filled with rage. Aaron rolled annoyed his eyes and answered : "How often am I supposed to tell you again I had to…" "I know perfectly well you haven't been at work yesterday," tears started to run down her face, but she continued, "and do you want to know, how I know this? Jason called and wanted to know, how you were feeling…Apparently you have called him and told him you were feeling sick and would stay at home, getting some rest!" Hotch was shocked, he hadn't even considered the possibility that one of his colleagues could call asking for him. But he knew Gideon now for a long time, he should have known he would call, wanting to know how he was… "So, I'm asking you once again : Where the hell have you been the last twenty-four hours? Please…I mean, you know you can talk with me honestly…I just want to know where you have been….!" Hotch thought for a moment before he answered : "I have visited a friend…he had lost his girlfriend just a few days ago, in a car-accident…He needed somebody to talk with…" It was impossible for him to tell her the truth, and he felt guilty for it – but still, he wanted to be at the hospital right now, making sure Elle was going to be fine…

_Tbc_

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**A/N:Hope you liked this...However, please send me a lot of reviews! Like I probably mentioned now a few times, I can also handle critism, as long as you can base it on something and it is expressed in a kind and constructive way...The most important thing for me is, that you are honest with me...Because, in this way I´m able to become a better writer...So _PLEASE REVIEW,PLEASE!!!!_**


	4. Rage

**Discs.:I don't own the show or its characters!**

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Different kinds of pain and their consequences

_4.Rage_

Two weeks had past since Elle was shot, and she was still unconscious. Aaron had started to spend more and more time at the hospital. Since a week he was now just coming home to change his clothes for work. He was not talking much anymore – nobody was able to break through the thick walls he had built up around him, not Jason, nor somebody from the team nor Haley. He was just blocking every conversation, which wasn't about work…Haley was starting to get more and more desperate, she wondered what was wrong, but her husband wasn't willing to open up to her or anybody else.

_At the office of the BAU :_

The agents were sitting in the bullpen, discussing the case they had been able to close the day before. The only one who was missing there, was Hotch, who was sitting in his office and worked , so they assumed, on some paperwork…

A door was opened and when they looked up Sean was standing there. "Hey is Aaron there?" "Sure, he is in his office…" Morgan replied.

_Meanwhile :_

Hotch was sitting at his desk, thinking about what was bothering him since two weeks. He was interrupted in his thoughts by a knock on his door. He just hoped it wasn't JJ, wanting to tell him they had a new case, he wasn't in the mood to work right now… When the door was opened, his brother was standing there. "Oh hey, Sean…Nice to see, what do you do in DC?" He tried to smile warmly but knew he was going to fail this… "Well, I'm visiting a friend of me…By the way where is this one colleague of you,…You know this hot brunet, El…" Without a warning Hotch pinned his brother onto one of the office walls. And before Sean had a chance to react, Hotch punched him hard into his face and stomach. A moment later Sean was finally able to punch back, but he had no real chance. Finally Morgan's hand-to-hand training had a use… They fought for a while, ´til JJ opened the door and, asked the other agents to help her stop the fight. When Morgan tried to stop Hotch from punching his brother Aaron tried to punch him as well.

When they had been finally able to get Hotch away from Sean, Aaron left for the restroom. His nose was bleeding, he noticed when he looked into the mirror.

Meanwhile Morgan asked Sean, after they had looked if he was injured seriously : "What the hell, was this all about?" "I don't know what is wrong with him….I just asked him where one of your colleagues is and he went mad…" "Which colleague?" Morgan was curious. "This brunet agent I think her name is Greenaway?!" Morgan's facial expression changed to a sad one…and he started to wonder, why Hotch was acting this strange lately. Well, they all knew how guilty Aaron felt for what happened to Elle…

Hotch was wondering as well, why he was acting like this because of _Elle_…

_Tbc_

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**A/N:I hope you liked this, even if it was kinnda short! AS always send me a lot of REVIEWS!**


	5. Questioning yourself

**Discs.:I don't own the show or its characters!**

**A/N: I know it took me some time to update but here it is : the new chapter!It takes place right after the last one...**

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Different kinds of pain and their consequences

_5.Questioning yourself _

Hotch was sitting all alone in one corner of the plane to Seattle. Instead of being able to think of something else than Elle, because of their case, he was thinking about her without even taking the time to take a look through the information about their case. He had first met her in Seattle. It had been in that city, where they had worked on their first case together.

The others where still wondering about why Hotch had reacted so strange that morning when Sean had asked him about Elle. They were talking quietly with each other about the case, but every now and then the topic of their conversation came back to what happened that morning.

_Later that day :_

It had been an easy case, right now they were trying to catch the unsub, but it was difficult, because they had to follow him into the woods.

When Hotch had him finally on gunpoint he was looking like he was paralysed, he was just standing there, pointing his gun at the suspect. The guy turned around and pointed his own gun at Aaron, when he was going to pull the trigger Morgan shot him.

Hearing the sound of a shot Hotch suddenly turned his head towards Morgan, looking like he had just woken up from a nightmare – every color had left his face…

_At the plane back to DC:_

"What the hell is wrong with you Hotch?!" Morgan was yelling at his supervisor, in front of the team. They were all looking at Aaron wondering why he had been that way today. Before Hotch had the possibility to answer, Morgan went on : "First you attack your own brother, because he asked you about Elle, and then you are unable to pull the trigger while we were following a suspect…" "It's not your business Morgan!" Hotch was horribly angry. "Well, it _is _actually our business when you act that strange and get nearly shot!" This time it was Gideon who tried to make Hotch aware of the fact that they were just worried about him. "You could have been killed, not to mention the fact that you have also risked the lives of any other agent on the team!" Hotch decided to not react to what they were saying anymore. So he just turned and left to take a seat as far away from them as possible. He was wondering during the whole time, 'til they landed in DC what was wrong with him. Was the fact that Elle was in hospital really so hard for him to accept that he was acting so strange…? Was he, because he was so worried about Elle and because he was feeling so guilty for what happened to her, unable to do his job? What had him made to attack Sean, when he asked him only where Elle was? Was it maybe because of the way _how_ he had asked him about _her_? He had no idea. And it was hard for him to stop questiong himself, the way he acted, not to mention to question his ability to do his job...

_That evening at Hotch's place :_

When he came home he tried to be as happy as possible. "Hey, Haley…" She smiled at him and said : "You are home early…" He just nodded and hugged her. God, it felt good to have him back at home, maybe now everything would be fine again between them. That was all she was able to think of in that moment. She kissed him and then smiled at him. He decided in that moment that he would try to enjoy the evening with his wife – without thinking about Elle.

_A few hours later :_

He had been in the kitchen to get them a new bottle of wine. When he came back to the living-room Haley got up and met him halfway. She took the bottle from his hands and put it on a small table. Then she started kissing him. He responded immediately, pulling her close to him.

While undressing each other, they went upstairs to their bedroom. Haley was happy when she realised how relaxed her husband seemed that evening.

He was kissing her tenderly, but their kisses became more and more passionate by the second. She enjoyed it very much to have back the man she had married once. The last two weeks had been pure hell for her. He had been acting strange and had been unwilling to talk with her. Then there was the fact that he had been spending so many nights not at home. She even thought about the possibility there could be another woman, but had realised soon after, how ridiculous this thought was, he would never ever do something like this to her.

When he was near his climax he could stop himself just in time from exclaiming a name, which wasn't the one of his wife but – Elle's…

He tried to let Haley not know what was going on in his head.

A while later when Haley had fallen asleep, Hotch was still lying awake, thinking about what just happened. He realised that he had imagined the whole time while he had slept with Haley, that it was not his wife but Elle, and he was feeling horrible for it. He got up and dressed. Then he left for a run to get his head free of those thoughts – thoughts about Elle.

_At Hotch's house, six o'clock :_

When Haley awoke she was all alone. She was wondering where her husband had went. His cell phone was still there, so he wasn't at work. She got dressed and went downstairs. She thought he was maybe sitting in the kitchen, or in the living-room, but he wasn't…

_Half an hour later :_

When he opened the door, he smelt the aroma of coffee and went to the kitchen. "Where have you been Aaron ?" Haley was looking at him, questioning. "Uhm, I had been out for a run…" actually that was the truth – except the fact that he had been after his run at the hospital to be for a while at Elle's bedside and to get his thoughts in order.

_Flashback :_

After he had been out of the house for one or two hours, he had lost the sense of how much time had passed since he had left, he decided he had to see her. The urge to be close to her was nearly unbearable. He was sitting there, on her bedside, for a while and when he left he gave her soft kiss onto her forehead.

_End flashback_

He took a seat at the kitchen-table and drank a mug of coffee, before he got up to get ready for work. When he left Haley kissed him goodbye, and the feeling of guilt he had since the last night came back, when thoughts about Elle started to invade his mind again.

_Tbc_

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**A/N:I hope you liked the chapter, even if it is kinda weird...Please review!**


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